Thursday, August 29, 2013

on accepting

this sunday will mark four weeks since we left bobby in new mexico.
it's been a  l o n g four weeks.
for him and for us.

it's gotten better.
i've changed my attitude.
i still cry but i accept.

i know there are others, i know others, who live this life 24/7, 365 days of the year.
through loss or separation or divorce.
others who know he's never coming back.
others who fight to survive.
that is not me.
i cannot compare.

this is temporary.
he is here for me.
he is just not here with me.

he is working 7 days a week.
he's working hard, with his whole heart, with intention and passion for what he's doing.
i'm working 7 days a week.
i'm working hard, with my whole heart, with intention and passion for what i'm doing.

the kids are cool.
they miss him but they don't fight it.
except maybe sofia.
she is keeping me on my toes and pushing me to my limit.
she always has.
but it's more intense now.
and just when it's about to get ugly, just at that very moment when she sees i mean business, she looks into my eyes and says "i miss daddy."
i cry.
she cries.
it's an ugly mess.
(and yes, i am completely aware that it's manipulation. but damn it, it works.)

adjusting has taken some time.
those things that i thought were going to be so difficult at the beginning aren't so bad.
i am learning that i can do things.
i am also learning that the things i thought i couldn't do, was really just that i didn't want to figure out how to do them on my own.

i have so much help.
so many offers to lend a hand.
to drive or pick up.
to watch the kids so i can go...anywhere...nowhere.
to hang out.
to talk.

i am blessed.
we are blessed.
i am surrounded by love and friendship and support.

but sometimes i feel alone.

we talk everyday.
text good morning and good night.
we skype and facetime.
we send love notes.

at times i think about the moments that we are living that the other person will never know.
adventures that we are taking.
amazing meals we are having.
friends that we are making.
struggles that we are getting through.
without each other.

but i am so very excited for him.
for this time he has to grow creatively, professionally and individually.
i feel like i'm doing that too.
those moments will be shared.
maybe not in detail but he'll know. i'll know.

he's not coming home tomorrow like we had planned.
he cancelled his airline ticket this morning.
he told me last night.
that was hard.
there's too much going on for him to get away.
i get it.
honestly, i get it.

i am sad today.
i miss him today everyday.
but i'll get busy and it will get easier.
and we're one month closer to him coming home.
i can definitely accept that.


Anonymous said...

You know this is one of the nicest ways to say you love each other that I have ever read. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Your german family says hi. Lots of hugs Manuela

Anonymous said...

I'm Here For You.

I Love You,


Anonymous said...

Beautiful and heartfelt post!